As I predicted, my mood has risen considerably. That part was an act of the will. A choice to look at the world differently. However, there is still a lingering “lack of purpose” in my attitude toward my efforts. I know I have a sizeable chunk of work to do today and I am just not looking forward to creating the list or executing on that list. It’s not as if there are numerous varied activities and I don’t feel like I can squeeze them into the day – it’s that I feel like most of the tasks are futile. That feeling comes from a sense of not knowing which basket to put my eggs into.

I also have a huge amount of mid-term study to do – that seems insurmountable when I add to to my other life activities – like finding gainful employment. Intellectually I know things, but from a feeling perspective it’s so easy to exchange that knowledge for feelings. Crazy thinking, I call it.

Anyway, I am glad that I can at least see some light at the end of the tunnel and I know that if I keep marching on that light will get brighter until I can actually see the other end.

I found my waking prayers revolving around the topic of God filling me with a passion for the day. Lord, give me something to work for and toward, just for today. Tomorrow I can come back to your presence and ask for provision but for today let me focus on today.

Next week is Easter, Resurrection Day. The week before Easter is commonly known as Palm Sunday.

Note the sections I have emphasized in bold lettering.

The LORD said to Moses and Aaron in Egypt, “This month is to be for you the first month, the first month of your year. Tell the whole community of Israel that on the tenth day of this month each man is to take a lamb for his family, one for each household. If any household is too small for a whole lamb, they must share one with their nearest neighbor, having taken into account the number of people there are. You are to determine the amount of lamb needed in accordance with what each person will eat. The animals you choose must be year-old males without defect, and you may take them from the sheep or the goats. Take care of them until the fourteenth day of the month, when all the people of the community of Israel must slaughter them at twilight.
Exodus 12:1-6 – New International Version (NIV)

These scriptures give direction to the Jewish nation on how to observe Passover. On this night an angel of the Lord was to kill all the firstborn because Pharaoh would not let the people of Israel leave captivity in Egypt. Those that followed God’s direction would have their firstborn spared.

The custom of the people was to take the lamb into their home 5 days before the lamb was to be slaughtered. For a few days it would be part of the family as a pet. When the lamb was to be sacrificed there would be a sense of loss.

Now compare that to a scene to take place some 1,500± years later.

The next day the great crowd that had come for the Feast heard that Jesus was on his way to Jerusalem. They took palm branches and went out to meet him, shouting, “Hosanna!” “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!” “Blessed is the King of Israel!”
John 12:12-13 – New International Version (NIV)

The lamb was being welcomed in.

It’s here. On one hand I was waiting for it – on the other I was sure I would avoid it. This morning I’m feeling bummed out. No enthusiasm, no real concern. Yes, I’ll go through the motions of today, yes I’ll move past it – very likely by the end of today or maybe tomorrow at the latest. It’s not that I don’t want to feel excited about something, it’s just that I don’t feel like there’s anything to be pasionate about.

Right now I need a place of solace and love – I can be alone but that would not fill the need for someone to come alongside. I need to retreat into my castle with those close to me to be nurtured back to full health and made ready to go out and do it again – with someone who knows me and cares.

Sometimes relationships are hard, not because of what happens in them but because of what doesn’t happen in them.

I feel ready to quit. I am thoroughly enjoying attending and learning this American History class that I am taking. However, the professor has unreasonably high expectations. Her mantra is that dates and names are not very important but significance is. By this she means she wants analysis. The analysis must include who, what, where, when, why & how plus short and long term impact, plus significance. I’m not trying to be whiney but that’s hard! Let me discuss the event. Let me give you the gist of the event – even some details but ask me to answer all these questions in 2 to 4 paragraphs and you’re tasking a skillset I need to develop.

A midterm is coming up in 2 weeks. 70% of the midterm is matching, true/false, multiple choice. No problem. 30% will involve 3 essay questions. Any 3 short essays from 9 potential topics. No problem, you say. The “study guide” lists 63 topics. She will choose 9 of these 63. In order for me to talk articulately about any one of these I will need to write out the who, what, were’s determine the impact and significance and make a study guide out of her study guide. I estimate that it will take about 30 hours to go through each thing on the study guide and be moderately prepared to write about it.

I feel ready to quit.

I don’t know about you, but if I can be allowed to oversimplify, there are two completely different ways I can do something. I can get the job done, do it well and that’s that. Or I can dive in, love every moment, strive to do my best and get the job done. For most things I do either approach yields identical results, not always but most of the time.

So then, what’s the difference? If I get the same result does it matter if I have passion or not?

He did what the Lord approved, but not with wholehearted devotion.
2 Chronicles 25:2 – New English Translation (NET)

In this verse we see the theme in the life of Amaziah, a king of Judah who ruled about 800 BC. He did was he should do, but that’s it. Where was the passion? Where was the heart of his action? There was none. We do know that over time he walked away from God – there was no depth in his life to keep him close. We can also conclude that his later defeat and demise was due to this lack of passion, or wholehearted devotion.

I see direct spiritual application here. What about personal application? What about in the workforce? Should this reflect my choices, or is that different?

Today is day 8 in the job market. Today I received one solid offer and another “very interested” from a prospective employer Both jobs are within my current field of expertise. My heart was hoping to break out of this field and explore new, exciting, different, fulfilling options. The dream of a major shift in careers is fading and fading quickly.

I’m not sure if it’s feelings of personal inadequacy or, as is most apparent, the lack of wherewithal to hold life together, get 4+ years of schooling and juggle the myriad of other things that I must do in order to make the dream come true.

Sad thing is, no change means no passion for work. It’ll just be a job – for the next 15 years or more.

Sad thing is, no change means stressful days which lead to stressful family life.

Sad thing is, no change means staying in the rat race and being owned by someone else.

Sad thing is, no change means significant travel, more time away from family.

No change, no one wins.

But how can I do it any other way?

Do all the good you can,
by all the means you can,
in all the ways you can,
in all the places you can,
at all the times you can,
to all the people you can,
as long as you ever can.
John Wesley

Do not say to your neighbor, “Come back later; I’ll give it tomorrow”–when you now have it with you.
Proverbs 3:28 – New International Version (NIV)

How does this work it self out practically? Does it leave room for not running into exhaustion? Does it mean that every time someone knocks on your door asking for money you give it to them? What about having something left for family?

Some things to think about today

Well, no doors have flung themselves open and gusts of wind pushed him in as I have been networked and doing my due diligence to find a new job. I have been busier than if I were working all doing job search related things. I can already tell there’s going to be no vacation in the next few weeks.

I know what me dream would be but I also know what is necessary. My prayer is that I can have both. Either way it will work out. One thing I feel pretty sure about is that it is not time to pick up stakes and move. Maybe in a few months, but not now.

Time to get on with my day and zip out a cover letter. Zip, yah right. That’s not me and writing.

As each of you has received a gift (a particular spiritual talent, a gracious divine endowment), employ it for one another as [befits] good trustees of God’s many-sided grace [faithful stewards of the extremely diverse powers and gifts granted to Christians by unmerited favor].
1 Peter 4:10 – Amplified Version (AMP)

An exercise that I need to do very soon is listing out my gifts, talents and abilities. I think I have a general idea what I’m good at, what I enjoy and what I am specially gifted at but it will not hurt to list these things.

Will this list define a career path? No, but it can go a long way toward that end.

But I can’t stop there. This scripture was not inspired for my job search. It admonishes to use what I have been given for others. The list I create will serve as a reminder of what and how I should serve no matter where my employment is. God doesn’t waste anything.

Is it providence that I am on day 30 of the Purpose Driven Life and this mornings reading was about being shaped to serve God? Is it providence that the last paragraph of today’s reading is:

Don’t settle for just achieving “the good life,” because the good life is not good enough. Ultimately it doesn’t satisfy. You can have a lot to live on and still have nothing to live for. Aim instead for “the better life” – serving God in a way that expresses your heart. Figure out what you love to do – what God gave you a heart to do – and then do it for his glory.
The Purpose Driven Life (pg 239)

I am long past striving for the “good life”. It has taken me more than a quarter of a century to figure out what I love to do. But should I jump in and “do it for his glory” without distinguishing my desire from God’s desire? Yes, God gave me a heart for people. I know this because I did not always have that heart. It was given and developed in me with ever increasing passion. Yes, that seems to fit my desire to go into counseling men and marriages. But how does He want me to use that passion?

It is quite possible that at this juncture in my life He wants me go back into the workforce doing what I have done for the past 16 years and use my gifts there. It is quite possible that he wants me to continue pursuing formal education along these lines and use that education to give but never to change my career. It is also quite possible that He is saying, “Go for it.”

Although I can wholeheartedly agree that I should take what God gave me a heart to do and use it for his glory, I need His guidance in pointing me to HOW and WHERE He wants me to do that. My deepest desire is to meet him in HIS work and join Him with my gifts.