So often we’ve got so many plates spinning that were not even sure how we got here. We know we can keep them all spinning. That’s the easy part. A little discipline, and little planning, we keep it all spinning day after day, year after year. Then one day we look up and ask, “why?” Now if we’re smart, this is the point where we decide which one to stop spinning – if we are just too overwhelmed we may just have a seat and watch them all fall down one after one.

No matter what we do or how we do it, it’s never very pretty and can cause a lot of grief on those around us. So what do we do? What can we do when we discover that this plate is meaningless or that one was for show and therefore has no real purpose. How do we spin down the plate without disturbing those around us? What do we do?

If only life were so easy as to give us direct answers. I struggle with the concepts of “keep on going” and “this is too much”. How much is laziness on my part the problem, how much is just life and that’s the way it is.

In my quiet time this morning I came across the following quote:

People seek for methods of learning to love God. They hope to arrive at it by I know not how many practices; they take much trouble to remain in the presence of God in a quantity of ways. Is it not much shorter and a lot more direct to do everything for the love of God, to make use of all the labors of one’s state in life to show him that love, and to maintain His presence within us by this communion of our hearts with His? There is no finesse about it; one has only to do it generously and simply. -Brother Lawrence

I don’t know about everyone else but I do know that I go through periods of distance in my spiritual life. There are times that I can say that I am walking in step with my mighty savior and then there are times when it seems I miss his presence. Of course, I know that God has not gone anywhere, I have. Still these times come. Sometimes for weeks, other times years – of parched wandering before I come back. My nature is to look for a method to keep my heart where I want to to be but for years I have understood what Brother Lawrence so aptly describes in this quote. There is no method that will bring us close to God. What brings us close is our heart and a simple set of actions cannot simply be repeated to bring communion with his spirit.

As with any relationship it’s not a formula for doing the right things that creates oneness. Think about it. Marriages become dull, boring and in a rut when there is not more than rote actions put into them. Our relationship with our savior must be treated in the same manner. Brother Lawrence hits the nail on the head when he says: ” Is it not much shorter and a lot more direct to do everything for the love of God?” Should not all our labors show him love? From the time we get up, until the time we retire for the evening. I see an element of method here but more than that, I see what is effective in any relationship… making that relationship the center of our lives. Isn’t that what goes into a good marriage, why wouldn’t it go into communion with God?

Life is quite busy these days. The funny thing is I am constantly looking for things to drop and responsibilities to transition out of, just can’t seem to find them. Working full time, returning to school in the evenings, facilitating a study for a men’s group at my church, being a father, husbanding, bathroom remodeling, house maintenance and just trying to enjoy life leaves little room for… anything.

This last weekend was as busy as most, probably busier. I have a son preparing to head back with his Marine unit to Iraq for a third tour. As a family we set aside a special day to celebrate him this last weekend. The occasion was his 21st birthday at home with family but the day was really a celebration of him as we rented a patio boat and spent the day on the lake. On Sunday, after seeing one daughter off to camp for a week, my wife and I dropped the other daughter off with grandparents after church and headed on a mini 2 night getaway of our own.

It was nothing spectacular and there was some amount of persuasion to make it happen but it was needed rest in my schedule. We were unhurried and spontaneous.

Much preparation went into this weekend. Cramming in a weekend full of homework before the weekend even began, preparing lists for a day out and helping in basic household chores. But I’d say that every second of that preparation was worth it for just one comment from my wife on the way home as we headed back to our busy lives all over again.

“The funnest thing I did this weekend was take a walk with you.”

Now that’s good for the soul.

Lyrics from a MercyMe song that leads into a story:

A man grows up enjoying the good life. He has anything he wants. As the years pass he matures and discovers wisdom. He has watched his father accumulate riches and power. He observes that for all this notoriety his father is an empty shell. A contentment does not lie within him. The son makes a series of resolutions that he will not follow the same path. Again years pass. The son is very pleased to look at his life and see that he has indeed changed the course of the river his father had navigated. He is beaming with pride that he is using his wealth to help others instead of storing it away for himself. One day he hears of a man that is turning the world upside down. Our young man decides he will meet this man named Jesus and see if he is on the right path to enter God’s kingdom. Jesus tells our young man that the one thing he must do is to let go of what he has. Our young man is discouraged. He has done everything right. He honors God, honors his parents, has not murdered, committed adultery or cheated his fellow man. He has used his wealth for those around him. In all this goodness he realizes that that’s all it is, he is a good man but that is not enough. He needs to release his claim on what he has.

It is not goodness or doing right that God wants of us. In fact there is nothing we can do to earn his favor. The one and only thing he wants of us is ourselves. We go about our lives, many times doing all the right things, but God does not want things from us. He wants our hearts. He created us to commune with himself. It’s not the things we do, it’s who our hearts calls its master.

I was reading an article this morning and it began something like this, “Remember when your family went on a road trip to some real cool destination and everyone was so excited to get there? Remember how there was a buzz in the car, maybe singing or ‘happy’ talk? Remember that after several hours into the journey and several more to go that excitement gave way to impatience. “When are we going to be there?” or “How much longer?” This article used that experience as a good analogy for marriage, it all starts out blissful but then the journey can become tedious.

Of course it does not always become tedious nor should it have to, but in many cases that is exactly what happens. Is there a way to retrieve that “loving feeling”? I have not finished the article but I would say that it is moving toward a solution to this problem. Back to the car trip analogy. What do we do there when the excitement turns into whining and impatience? We try to capture the romantic ideas that started the day, we work on reminding those in the car that the destination will be fantastic.

I don’t know about you but this does not seem to completely fit with marriage. There’s something different about a marriage and a road trip. # 1 on the list – In one your headed towards a destination, in the other you’re kind of there already but still moving. Wait a second, maybe that’s a problem. If marriage is the destination won’t the appetite grow unenthusiastic? There’s got to be more in mind when a couple gets married then “we’ll get married and live happily ever after”. The problem is that from my own experience (personal and otherwise) that’s it. There is no thought other than I like this person, I would like to spend to the rest of my life with them. Everything will be so wonderful and blissful.

But deep down there is an awareness that there’s got to be more to life than living from day to day. Some people are blessed with a clear sense of purpose or drive in their life. I am not one of those. All to easily I just follow the flow with no vision. Somehow, somewhere along the way I got this notion that marriage was the destination. Then at the point that I arrived there was no more. This is all rather simplistic and I don’t see myself as a reed blowing in the wind but the core idea is that that sense of destination is not present.

I’m not talking about an inked out purpose and goal statement. That’s a bit too rigid for my tastes. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there should be at least a vague idea (or more) that we’re headed somewhere. Having fun, stopping by the roadside for a photo op with a multicolored mesa during sunset, checking out those caverns where coins float in mid-air. There must be a keen sense of direction even if it is not solidly defined in statistical terms. For me this direction is very intangible. It’s relationships, it’s making a difference in someone’s life. In all cases, the looking forward to some hope gives that sense of purpose today. When you are at the end of your life what is it that you will say matters? Focus on that.

Once we know where we’re going we can find joy in the journey. Take some time today to have some fun with your spouse. Do something different. Picnic in the backyard, read a book to each other, find a place that rents tandem bicycles. Enjoy the journey.

Yes, it’s a word! See Wikipedia if you don’t believe me. A news article in today’s USA Today has a headline entitled “6/6/06 could be a devil of a day – or not”. Long term mortgage rates as of today are 6.66%. There are odds out there whether the world will end today or not. Fear and panic, it sells.

What’s this all about? In Revelation it says:

Then I saw another beast, coming out of the earth. He had two horns like a lamb, but he spoke like a dragon. He exercised all the authority of the first beast on his behalf, and made the earth and its inhabitants worship the first beast, whose fatal wound had been healed. And he performed great and miraculous signs, even causing fire to come down from heaven to earth in full view of men. Because of the signs he was given power to do on behalf of the first beast, he deceived the inhabitants of the earth. He ordered them to set up an image in honor of the beast who was wounded by the sword and yet lived. He was given power to give breath to the image of the first beast, so that it could speak and cause all who refused to worship the image to be killed. He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man’s number. His number is 666. Revelation 13:12-18 – New International Version (NIV)

So what does it all mean?

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I find that marriage is a tough institution to define in today’s culture. The reason I say this is that it’s looked upon, many times, with no more seriousness than which car to choose from the lot. Instinctively people still know that there’s more to it than a simple tradition or institution. But I’d say that generally speaking they really have no idea what it means to spend a lifetime with the same person. We do not live in a culture that prepares us spend a lifetime with anything (or anyone). Sure it’s easy as long as it’s bliss, but what is our instinct when the going gets tough?

A google search reveals: The average length of a first time marriage before divorce is 8 years; 4 years is the average time someone remains with the same employer; the average time someone keeps the same car is 5 years. From my limited statistical sampling, I’d say it’s fairly accurate to say that consumerism (use it, throw it away, get a new one) is ingrained in us from birth. We have bought hook, line and sinker all the advertising thrown at us since the day we were born. The line that there’s always something, better, bigger, fancier out there.

How does this affect marriage? First let’s take a look at what a typical marriage looks like. With few exceptions, all marriages will have tough times. Not just once or twice in the relationship but often more. The problem with the “tough” times is that they aren’t there for a week then gone. These periods can last for weeks, months and even years. The doldrums. Nothing in today’s society prepares us for them. These rough times can be no fault of the married couple. There could be a death in the family that severely affects one of the partners, there could be tough financial times, there could tough times with kids, and on and on. Each of these events take a toll on the marriage relationship. Just throw these into the pot with 2 imperfect people living together and you have a recipe for unhappiness unless there is INTENTIONAL work put into maintaining the relationship.

Is it any surprise that after years of marriage one or both spouses throw in the towel for something better or just different? Bitterness because of too many years of unspoken disappointment, outrage that after all this time they could still seem to care less, apathy that the excitement is gone. Before we know it our emotions or affections move outside of the relationship. We yearn for greener pastures. We seek it through affairs, obsessions, purpose, anywhere but our spouse.

Should our pursuit of happiness take precedence over the commitment made when vows were exchanged? I cannot count the number of couples that don’t recall if they EVER loved their spouse or that question whether they understood what they were getting into and who they were getting into it with. What do we do with this? Because something does not yield what was promised should we discard it? Should marriage be simply another product to be consumed as long as it meets our expectations?

I’m sure I’ll explore this topic more in the future… just food for those wondering what they are doing in the middle of an unsatisfying (or worse) relationship.

OK, time to bring a little of my critical thinking class into play as I think about relationships in general.

We’re all individuals, unique. No two people think alike. No one has all the answers. If we are to share these wonderful brains that we have isn’t it a require that we listen and think about what the other person has said? This method of argument uses empathetic listening to see an issue sympathetically from another persons point of view. With practice we can learn to walk in their shoes. They can know that we truly understand their position. To be sure it’s unlikely that their shoes have more answers, but to walk in someone else’s shoes shows them respect. Respect treats them as a valuable human being.

Once we’ve walked in their shoes we can start to find common ground. We can build bridges. The barriers are broken down and at this point an honest exchange of information can happen. Solutions can be reached.

OK, sometimes, with some people this can be pretty difficult. That’s a fact. But aren’t we called to

Make every effort to live in peace with all men

Something to think about.