Two Living as One


My melding oneness and I have been on a quest to find common activities which we both enjoy.  My search has been along the lines of something a little wild and crazy, different.  Something that cements memories in the mind.  Going to see a movie together is a nice thing – as is dinner, but in 5 years what is remembered is often that which stands out as unique.  My personal goal is not to ignore the “common” but the keep from getting in a rut.
 
Here’s an idea…  maybe it works for you, maybe not.  Go to Google and type in “top google searches for today
 
So here’s our list and what we did with it…(Top Google searches for June 13, 2011)
 
 
Well, here were are looking at our list.  I look at her and she looks at me, “Who is Michele Bachmann?”  Another trip to Google and we’re both educated on a future presidential hopeful.  OK, guess that explains #3 – GOP debate.  We were not aware of any debate.  Hmmm… maybe if we were we’d have had more of an insight into #1.
 
Continuing down the list… to the next term of interest.  (I’m not suggesting we even have a clue about everything in between – it’s just didn’t strike our fancy).
 
“Bruce Springsteen?” “What about Bruce would cause enough people to search for him that he is #12 on the list?”  ”Dunno – let’s move on.”
 
“Fran Drescher?”  ”Did she ever do anything besides that silly sitcom?”  ”What in the world?”  ”What kind of person would search for Fran?”  - or more accurately, “what mass delusion of the populace would cause 1000’s to search for information on her?”
 
Ok, back to Google to a search on Fran.  Wow!  Who’d have thunk it!  Fran shares her not-so-uncommon experience with her ex.  This is made into a TV show.  OK that makes sense, at least.  The Fran groupies have at least explained themselves by giving me a relevant reason to looking her up.
 
I think I’ll have to visit this exercise again.  It’s always fun to make fun of the masses and there’s nothing like a search on searches to give fodder to make sweeping assumptions about what you’re thinking about.
 
Hope none of my searches come up in the top 20.  Of course it might bore you silly to see: “How many towns were flooded when Shasta Dam was built?”  ”When is Voyager 1 leaving the solar system?” or “When was the last time Google took a picture from space of my place in Alaska?”
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Dreams of white horses, castles, high hopes and happily ever after pervade the atmosphere in a new marriage.
 
Ah, the “in love” stage.  It’s so snowy white.  It’s so appealing.  But somewhere along the line all marriages find this illusion – these hopes – shattered.  Permanently.  Never to be.
 
One book I recently read calls this the “disappointed love” stage.  The realization, be it hours, be it years, that it is not to be.  That wonderful image is not only shattered, it’s like a mirror that is permanently tarnish.  There is no option the get a new mirror; it is what it is.  But there is a love after this, a love better than even hoped for.
 
How can a tarnished mirror ever have a pretty reflection again?  The reality is that my love for my wife is sweeter than I could have ever imagined.  Our love is far from perfect and we both see that.  But that same love is far richer than those dreams of early on.
 
The unimaginable thing is that God is a master as using all that hurt and pain to create more than could have ever been created with my hand.  My thinking is tarnished.  My efforts of marginal at best.  The refining process creates something beautiful – to where the tarnish is not even visible.  It’s there but it IS part of the beauty.
 
I still don’t understand how it can be possible to take that tarnished mirror and make it prettier than the dreams of white horses but it’s happened.  I can not argue with the results.
 
It takes trust.  It takes giving over of self.  Two impossible things.
 
There is only one hope.
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As a couple the theory is that two will move closer and closer to becoming one.  What does this mean?  Obviously it does not mean to become physically one.  Common sense tells me this is not even remotely possible.  Therefore it must mean that the two become one at an emotional level.
 
The fact is that it is not possible to prevent some level of oneness on an emotional level.  The real question is how much will I allow another into my world.  The other is in my world – I just decide which room (or rooms) to let them in.
 
So now I come to my point.  Because the two are physically two, no matter how emotionally attached they are there are differing processes going on inside.  Independent processes.  Couple these processes with various roles in the relationship and you have complication.
 
Take a deep emotion like grief.  Both may be affected equally, or maybe not.  One will often, instinctively, help carry the other through the process stifling their own processing of that emotion as much as is needed.  Then, at a later date, once the assistance is not required the grieving process may resume.  This natural reaction is necessary for the preservation of the union, yet it is often the very thing that causes strain on the relationship.
 
Somehow, as the two go through the emotion, they need to allow for differing rates and processing methods.  They need to find a way to weep with those who weep.
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to Flirt

to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions; play at love

 
In it’s most glorious context the flirt is a dance between spouses.  Flirting is one way in which to fall in love all over again.
 
Flirting makes my spouse feel like the center of my world.  Isn’t that the other-centeredness that gets lost in the business of life?  Somewhere along the line two people forget the dreams of a shared life.  Flirting is a subtle (or not so subtle) reminder of what’s really important.
 
Some common verbal expressions in the dance called flirt:
    • Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.
    • It’s not my fault that I fell for you, you tripped me!
    • Oops! I lost my mobile number! Could I have yours?
    • Are you lost ma’am? Because heaven is a long way from here.
    • I have had a really bad day today and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you please smile for me?
    • If your heart was a prison, I would like to be sentenced for life.
    • You’re so sweet there’s a wanted poster for you at the candy store.
    • Let make it short and simple, I love you.
    • You remind me of my next girlfriend.
     
    Some common non-verbal expressions in the dance called flirt:
      • Smile
      • Glance (short darting)
      • Head nod
      • Whisper
      • Parade
      • Play
      • Pout
      • Knee touch
      • Thigh touch
      • Hand hold
      • Coy smile
      • Palm
      • Request dance
      • Hug
      • Face to face
      • Buttock pat
      • Kiss
      • Caress (face/hair)
      • Eyebrow flash
       
      A text message was just sent, which said: “You remind me of my next girlfriend.”  Who says people with different busy schedules can’t do a little maintenance now and again.
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      Up until recently I understood the idiom we express as clearing the air to mean that the two parties must sit down together and discuss differences and reach some resolution.  It seemed that anything short of resolution was burying their heads in the sand.
       
      Ignoring an issue meant, in my thinking, that it would be like a festering wound waiting to become a fully inflamed infection.  In the end that was ALWAYS worse then dealing with the initial issue.
       
      Sometimes, when all else is floating above water, it is simply helpful to air the mutual grievances in a mode of active listening.  Sometimes all we need is not a solution but for someone to walk in our shoes, someone to see life through our eyes.
       
      This recent exercise was enlightening.  When exercised in all caution and grace it can be fully rewarding.  Of course, when not utilizing all the wisdom that can only come from The Lord above this can be a recipe for a raging fire.
       
      Some things aren’t issues of resolution.  Some issues relate more to an understanding partner.
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      Remember the last time someone close to you slighted you in some way and it really did not matter?  Now try to remember the last time someone slighted you and it just “burned you up.”
       
      What was the difference?
       
      As I’ve looked at this – the key differentiator seems to be ‘me.’  Many times I’ve asked myself, “Self, why is this such a big deal?  Why do you have to hang on to it like it’s life or death?”  Yet, at other times I find it so easy to let major infractions ‘to me’ slide right off my back and not give them a second thought.
       
      Did you ever wonder why dating and those first few months (or years for some) of marriage were so easy?  It’s because our gas tank is nearly full.  When I am running on fumes (when my needs are not being adequately met) I am gasping for anything I can get; there is nothing to give.  I consume it all.  Fill me to overflowing and soon you find I can’t give enough.
       
      People don’t have an insatiable appetite for self, they have an insatiable appetite to have unrealized needs met.
       
      Finding and filling these needs is the maintenance in any relationship.
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      I had been in the sadly unfortunate position to be present when a good friend died and been absolutely helpless to do anything about it.  Not easy.
       
      It never is when we’re close to someone and watching them harm themselves.  It doesn’t matter if it’s with words or actions, it’s all the same it wounds those nearby.
       
      Oh that life were easier.  Oh that people would invite you in to lend and trusting hand.
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      I have often heard it said that love is an action not a feeling.  That all depends on perspective but the premise behind the statement finds my agreement.
       
      That being that, love is work.  Love is relational maintenance in action.  Sometimes the fruit is kind of small and wrinkly, sometimes the tree is so full of fruit you are afraid it’ll be crushed under it’s own weight.
       
      Can there really be a relationship without action?
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