Cone of Silence » Two Living as One

Fuel Overflowing

Dave — Fri, 28 May 2010 22:20:31 +0000

Remember the last time someone close to you slighted you in some way and it really did not matter? Now try to remember the last time someone slighted you and it just “burned you up.”

What was the difference?

As I’ve looked at this – the key differentiator seems to be ‘me.’ Many times I’ve asked myself, “Self, why is this such a big deal? Why do you have to hang on to it like it’s life or death?” Yet, at other times I find it so easy to let major infractions ‘to me’ slide right off my back and not give them a second thought.

Did you ever wonder why dating and those first few months (or years for some) of marriage were so easy? It’s because our gas tank is nearly full. When I am running on fumes (when my needs are not being adequately met) I am gasping for anything I can get; there is nothing to give. I consume it all. Fill me to overflowing and soon you find I can’t give enough.

People don’t have an insatiable appetite for self, they have an insatiable appetite to have unrealized needs met.

Finding and filling these needs is the maintenance in any relationship.

Watching and Doing Nothing

Dave — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 23:45:56 +0000

I had been in the sadly unfortunate position to be present when a good friend died and been absolutely helpless to do anything about it. Not easy.

It never is when we’re close to someone and watching them harm themselves. It doesn’t matter if it’s with words or actions, it’s all the same it wounds those nearby.

Oh that life were easier. Oh that people would invite you in to lend and trusting hand.

Love Is Work

Dave — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 23:54:33 +0000

I have often heard it said that love is an action not a feeling. That all depends on perspective but the premise behind the statement finds my agreement.

That being that, love is work. Love is relational maintenance in action. Sometimes the fruit is kind of small and wrinkly, sometimes the tree is so full of fruit you are afraid it’ll be crushed under it’s own weight.

Can there really be a relationship without action?

All the Difference

Dave — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 18:08:19 +0000

I am seeing more clearly that if there were a single ingredient in any relationship that acts as the glue that hold things together it’s got to be be grace.

The grace I am referring to is that mercy that could demand justice but chooses not to; a forgiveness for offences, intentional or otherwise, that is unwarranted.

I can’t say I have this figured out. By it’s very nature it opens one to be stepped on and abused but somehow in the humility of spirit it seems to be the best way to break down the very thing that could abuse it. The “good guy” often does not win at least apparently so. But, would another approach really get one to the same goal? Usually not. Usually other methods involve serving-self as we grab for justice. It may change others behavior but does it usually win their heart?

Marriage is all about heart. It can’t be demanded and all too often it is not given because of the risk involved. It seems to be almost a no win situation unless one takes the track less traveled.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

Dave — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:40:04 +0000

When is looking back a good thing and when is looking forward a better thing?

Many, if not all of us have been around people that “live in the past.” You know what I am talking about. That person that is constantly revisiting the hurt and pain as if they were afraid it would go away if they don’t pay it a call regularly. Or that person that always sees that past as a better place and there’s nothing good about the here and now. Likely most of us have been in one of these places a time or two in our lives.

This can all be good. That’s how we learn and do something different in the future. For the last few years I have been fond of the phrase “the past is the best predictor of the future.” I don’t know where I got it, maybe I made it up. Unless something changes here and now we will continue to live out the past. Therefore it makes sense to peer into our own history for analysis and use that to do something different, something better.

If this thing (looking at the past) is both good and bad, how can I discern the difference to know when I’ve crossed the line from good to bad?

You Didn’t Ask Something, Did You?

Dave — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 17:19:27 +0000

Wouldn’t life be so much easier if we said what we thought, if we asked what we wanted, and if we could do it all in a way that the recipient felt valued?

It is so hard to read between the lines of the unspoken. One can think the unspoken is so easily understood from the clues on the lines that between the lines cannot be possibly mistaken. Recently in a household near me a thought occurred to me. Three hours later, but it did occur. I was asked a question, I answered to the best of my ability. No response. Usually means that thread of dialog is complete. Time to move on.

Now three hours later I ask myself, “Maybe you didn’t ask anything, maybe you didn’t ask something.“

Was there a request cloaked in that question? Was there not? It’s as if the onus of responsibility to state a request was moved from the requestor to the requestee (me) – now it’s my job to probe and see if there was more there. Very inefficient if you ask me.

Love and Respect

Dave — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 16:27:00 +0000

For those who are following my reading library, I finished a book this morn! There are two chapters and a conclusion left for our group to cover but it is likely they will traverse all that while we are on vacation.

In the concluding chapters I had to cheer, rah, rah! If one reads nothing but the last two chapters and get it, they GET IT. Right between the eyes. My mantra for the last few years has been personal responsibility. It doesn’t matter what someone else says or does, I have a responsibility . These may sound like harsh cold words, but in the end what I do, how I respond, what I think, there is no excuse to pass the buck. I have to take full responsibility for MY actions.

If I have a disagreement with my spouse and I am 99.9% right and .1% in the wrong – I have to own to to mine, not keeping score or saying I’ll apologize for only .1% of what happened. I must take complete responsibility for my actions with no expectation that the 99.9% done against me requires rectification. Sure, it would be nice but MY CONCERN is MY .1%, that’s it. As long as my .1% is tied to my spouses making the 99.9% right then I AM NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME, I am blaming her. That’s it. My .1% is tied to me, the rest is not mine to judge.

In the words of one mightier and more worthy than I: “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor? James 4:12 (NIV)

Between Two Worlds

Dave — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:29:23 +0000

Some things are tough but essential to move to the next level. I recently initiated a process that has inspired a months (or years) long process of introspection and development of a personal action plan. It feels like I’m no longer here but not yet there.

Not easy, but is growth ever easy?

How blessed the man you train, GOD, the woman you instruct in your Word. Psalms 94:12 – The Message (MSG)

Refuse discipline and end up homeless; embrace correction and live an honored life. Proverbs 13:18 – The Message (MSG)

So don’t feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. Hebrews 12:5 – The Message (MSG)

If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Hebrews 12:8 – New International Version (NIV)

At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. Hebrews 12:11 – The Message (MSG)

Burying the Barriers

Dave — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 22:29:40 +0000

It is instinctive to remove oneself from pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, there’s no difference in the strong initial desire to move away from a painful situation. Somewhere along the road we all travel pain avoidance becomes more and more learned behavior, a habit. Sometimes we even move INTO pain just so we feel we are not powerless. Regardless of the method of coping, pain causes something in us to seek to minimize its impact on us.

We shield ourselves from emotional pain with invisible barriers that may look like anger, happiness, or a carefree life, you name it. It’s all a show. Not that there aren’t other reasons to be angry or that all happiness is false or that that “easy-going guy” is disingenuous. Not at all – but many times these and many other mechanisms are barriers erected to prevent the wounding pain from occurring yet again.

It is wise for me to see these false barriers in me and break them down, one at a time. The harm I am trying to prevent traps me within the cage of my own making. The cure is worse than the disease. Why? Because, in my adult thinking I can manage this pain, sidestep it in a manner that is constructive or use an innumerable manner of other rational behaviors to deal with it. If I let unconscious habits that were built over time to control me – then the “rational me” gives up his rights and I’m trapped in a box with no choice.

Pits in the Path

Dave — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 18:37:18 +0000

Someone recently said to me, “Life shouldn’t be this hard.” Meaning, if you’re trying to fit all the pieces together and your spouse is doing the same, it seems as if the road should be fairly smooth. Sure there’ll always be potholes, but it shouldn’t be like the roads in Philadelphia (no offense intended to Philadelphians – they are after all the worst roads I have ever driven) where you’re in a new pothole before you’ve left the previous one.

The only thing for certain is that there will be troubles, trials, struggles and all like manner of things in this life. Some will struggle more and some less – uncertain what’s that’s all about – but we all will struggle.