For those who are following my reading library, I finished a book this morn! There are two chapters and a conclusion left for our group to cover but it is likely they will traverse all that while we are on vacation.

In the concluding chapters I had to cheer, rah, rah! If one reads nothing but the last two chapters and get it, they GET IT. Right between the eyes. My mantra for the last few years has been personal responsibility. It doesn’t matter what someone else says or does, I have a responsibility . These may sound like harsh cold words, but in the end what I do, how I respond, what I think, there is no excuse to pass the buck. I have to take full responsibility for MY actions.

If I have a disagreement with my spouse and I am 99.9% right and .1% in the wrong – I have to own to to mine, not keeping score or saying I’ll apologize for only .1% of what happened. I must take complete responsibility for my actions with no expectation that the 99.9% done against me requires rectification. Sure, it would be nice but MY CONCERN is MY .1%, that’s it. As long as my .1% is tied to my spouses making the 99.9% right then I AM NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME, I am blaming her. That’s it. My .1% is tied to me, the rest is not mine to judge.

In the words of one mightier and more worthy than I: “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor? James 4:12 (NIV)

Some things are tough but essential to move to the next level. I recently initiated a process that has inspired a months (or years) long process of introspection and development of a personal action plan. It feels like I’m no longer here but not yet there.

Not easy, but is growth ever easy?

How blessed the man you train, GOD, the woman you instruct in your Word. Psalms 94:12 – The Message (MSG)

Refuse discipline and end up homeless; embrace correction and live an honored life. Proverbs 13:18 – The Message (MSG)

So don’t feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children? My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. Hebrews 12:5 – The Message (MSG)

If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Hebrews 12:8 – New International Version (NIV)

At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. Hebrews 12:11 – The Message (MSG)

It is instinctive to remove oneself from pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, there’s no difference in the strong initial desire to move away from a painful situation. Somewhere along the road we all travel pain avoidance becomes more and more learned behavior, a habit. Sometimes we even move INTO pain just so we feel we are not powerless. Regardless of the method of coping, pain causes something in us to seek to minimize its impact on us.

We shield ourselves from emotional pain with invisible barriers that may look like anger, happiness, or a carefree life, you name it. It’s all a show. Not that there aren’t other reasons to be angry or that all happiness is false or that that “easy-going guy” is disingenuous. Not at all – but many times these and many other mechanisms are barriers erected to prevent the wounding pain from occurring yet again.

It is wise for me to see these false barriers in me and break them down, one at a time. The harm I am trying to prevent traps me within the cage of my own making. The cure is worse than the disease. Why? Because, in my adult thinking I can manage this pain, sidestep it in a manner that is constructive or use an innumerable manner of other rational behaviors to deal with it. If I let unconscious habits that were built over time to control me – then the “rational me” gives up his rights and I’m trapped in a box with no choice.

Someone recently said to me, “Life shouldn’t be this hard.” Meaning, if you’re trying to fit all the pieces together and your spouse is doing the same, it seems as if the road should be fairly smooth. Sure there’ll always be potholes, but it shouldn’t be like the roads in Philadelphia (no offense intended to Philadelphians – they are after all the worst roads I have ever driven) where you’re in a new pothole before you’ve left the previous one.

The only thing for certain is that there will be troubles, trials, struggles and all like manner of things in this life. Some will struggle more and some less – uncertain what’s that’s all about – but we all will struggle.

I cannot imagine a married couple that doesn’t want everything to be the best it can be. It would be akin to not wanting to enjoy life.

I understand that desire and action are two completely different beasts, and there are many reasons why action is not legs to desire. A few I can think of are laziness, fear of consequences or the fear of making things worse. Either apathy or disdain seems to be the end result of lack of action.

Action, good, constructive action, requires giving of self. It makes you and me vulnerable, the rewards can be great but the wounds can also be great. The greater the possibility of return, the greater the possibility of harm. So here we sit on our worn out conservative sofa, miserable and hating it all because we don’t make a choice take action.

Of course we all like to say we’re “stuck” in the rut, but are we really stuck or have we made the choice to stay?

Where did all that gushy stuff go? There was a day when I wrote volumes to my new bride. Last night she pulled out her box of journals and letters from me to her. You know what? I didn’t write a sentence or a paragraph or two. I wrote pages and pages; literally wrote volumes.

Where did it go? Squeezed out. Relegated from first importance to non-important.

I’m making a commitment to self to revive something from almost two decades ago. Make new habits. Make the items of first importance, first importance.

Is it the things I do? No, not really. It’s that I do them. It’s that they’re special to her. This is something I can do. This is something that is special to her. So why not?