Sometime in the mid 90′s I reluctantly moved from Netscape to Internet Explorer v3!  It was a slow, thought out, deliberate move.  Mentally there was no going back.  I would give Microsoft one more brick in the wall.

 

Fast forward 6 versions of Internet Explorer and a few “look and see” forays into other browsing worlds, I finally made the leap.  Not really a leap.

 

I knew I really needed to see my vacation rental site revisions in multiple browsers but this alone was not enough to sell me on Chrome.  Sure it seemed faster.  Sure it was moving away from the de facto monopoly.  But I would not make the move unless I was sold.

 

It’s been about 2 weeks, I’m sold.  Of course, this is when the aforementioned problem with my website occurred.  I lived the last 2 days in puzzlement as to what is going wrong.  Oh great – should I jump ship? Or maybe it’s not browser at all, maybe my host make some changes like they did in the past.

 

As it turns out the problem was always there – invalid test procedures.  Yup, it was me.  Hopefully I am good for every browser on the planet – but I know that will not be true in this life.

 

Until then, let’s cross my fingers that I have squished all those little crawly bugs.

 

I have handled many, many family issues while at the same time nursing my own wounds.  And concurrently looking beyond self to apply all my life learning to others in an effort to live what I believe – it’s not about me and my little world.  There are bigger things in play.  Things which are difficult to put our minds around.

 

Anyway, that’s not what I am posting about this morn.  A project whose inception began in early October was a revamp of our vacation rental website – www.AlaskanChalet.com  It has been long overdue and absolutely necessary in support of the vague things I mentioned in the previous paragraphs.  I am pleased with the results.

 

Believe it or not, trying to perform a major revision on a website while keeping family, work, and life in balance was a challenge indeed.  Something of an expected moderate expectation of effort became a moderately-high effort and this taught me a lot about me.  The “teaching” is far from complete.  It opened my eyes to new ways of seeing the world.  New ways of seeing my life.  In the course of the website transition from old to new Murphy’s Law was king.  If there was an frustration that could happen, it happened.  Although these changes were not life or death in magnitude they are significant from the perspective to supporting many aspects of our family.

 

Wow! This post is way more serious in nature than I expected.  I think I’ll stop right here.  For now just bask in the fruits of the effort.  I so want to post so much more here and now, but I don’t know if it would be appropriate.

 

So to wrap this up, I want to give honor to where honor is due.  That is my Lord.  He has sustained in ways I could not have imagined in more ways than I can count for longer than I had even realized.  Thank you Lord!

 

Yesterday morning I felt as if I were on the edge.  The edge meaning feeling completely overwhelmed with life and all it’s responsibilities, and “my wanna-do’s”.  Basically picture a mountain growing up in front of you.  Getting taller by the minute.  Pretty soon the mountain is touching the clouds and the top is out of sight.  Now, the path to the top of the mountain is not a cakewalk.  As you ascend the mountain it gets steeper, narrower, more harrowing as it clings to the side of sheer drop-offs.  To rest means to lean against a scrawny tree because with this level of steepness sitting is not an option.  There is nothing to keep one from sliding down and getting up would be hazardous if one lost their balance.

 

That’s my word picture.  This leads to a feeling of panic.  Heart beating ever faster, hands shaking.  It’s as if the body is prepared for a snake to jump out from behind every rock and prepared to jump back in the nick of time.  Not a pleasant place to be and the body cannot sustain such high adrenalin for very long.  I’ve been there before.  I’ve been on the edge for a while but just under that threshold.

 

Back to yesterday.  Finally, here it is.  That e-mail comes in – the one that says here’s one more task for you.  One more simple thing.  The one that says don’t worry about me – I’m just a little straw.  Instantly I recognize it for what it is.  THE straw.

 

So what does one do when there are more things to do in a day, week, month and foreseeable future than you can do?  Stop.  If there’s no more time to do one more thing it’s time to take a break and spend with my God.

 

So…  I applied all that I’d been teaching and believe and when things are too busy and there’s no time – it’s time for a God break.

 

I stepped out of the office, got my earbuds and took at slow 2½ mi walk to worship music.  My “worship walk.”  That’s what I needed when the day couldn’t hold “one more thing”.  I talked with God, the music kept me on task when my mind would wander back to try to fix all my cares.  By the end of the walk I felt much more relaxed and that relaxation continued throughout the day.  Actually as the day progressed I found I was more relaxed, more at peace.  That 1 hour walk in the middle of a day that was terribly busy actually found my day more at peace and relaxed.  I got more done than I thought I could get done AND with 1 hour less to do it in.

 

Important lesson for me.  I don’t need God a day at a time.  I really need to seek His resources a task at a time.

 

Interesting…

 

It appears the nations were not driven out as a consequence of disobedience to God.  You might say it was a removal of blessing.  As if to say, “you want to do what you will, then have the results of my blessing removed.”

 

Then what comes next is quite fascinating.  The peoples are left in order to test, to prove, to refine, to make Israel more than they are.  There is no doubt reading this passage and continuing through the rest of the book of Judges (and beyond) that this testing was a very painful process.

 

Then another interesting thing is said in this passage.  It goes on to say that part of the reason for leaving the inhabitants in the land is to provide experience for those who had not been to war.

 

How like my life.  Many times I see the results of the after-effect of my having my own way – sometimes weeks or years later.  Why doesn’t today’s action make all that go away?  It seems to me the “good” in this is for my further refinement.  Maybe I have learned a few lessons here and there (I hope) but I need the test to confirm and solidify the lesson.  And oft-times to show me that I am not ready yet.  Time to renew my efforts and work harder.

 

Additionally, I am not prepared for the battles ahead without going through this process.

 

 

Thoughts I must consider.

 

A thought that crosses my mind from time to time is that maybe someday these mini-studies may have commercial value.  The idea sounds good, but I don’t know if I’d ever charge for them.  Use them in a group perhaps but sell them at large… who knows.

Fear is a distressing negative emotion induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger and flee from it or confront it.

 

Anxiety is a generalized mood condition that can often occur without an identifiable triggering stimulus. As such, it is distinguished from fear, which is an emotional response to a perceived threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is related to situations perceived as uncontrollable or unavoidable.

 

An alternative view defines anxiety as “a future-oriented mood state in which one is ready or prepared to attempt to cope with upcoming negative events”, suggesting that it is a distinction between future vs. present dangers which divides anxiety and fear.

 

That’s a mouthful and does it matter?  Thinking of the darkroom in my April 22, 2011 post…

 

Funny how the mind can have such control over the body and its physical reaction to the world.  We underestimate the power of that computer on our shoulders.  It can make or break us.  It can fill us with confidence or take us to the depths of despair.

 

Enough thinking for one day.

 

Wow!  Isn’t there a lot packed into this quote!

 

Are there any negative thoughts, feelings or actions which are not, at their deepest level, motivated by fear?  There can be, I’m sure, but how much of the way I am, the things I do or the things I think are rooted in fear?

 

Much of my negative behavior is a protection I have learned to put on to shield my soul from the onslaught.  Aren’t these fears most often lies.  Untruths that our brain believes to be true.

 

I can heal the fear by exposing it to the Truth.  As the fear heals, so too will my negative behaviors fall away.  No longer will I be a slave to lies.

 

The key is to get the the deepest root to heal the source of the wounds.  It’s either that or ’round and ’round we go re-entering that darkroom.

 

Why is that?

 

I don’t know – but that’s the way it is.

 

Is it a problem.  Well, no if I don’t let it feed my insecurities and yes if I need to communicate succinctly and no miss key points.

 

So what I am to do?  Wing it.

 

This is a big step.

 

This made me ponder.  Can I try to quantify the magnitude of this as compared to previous major steps.  I devised a quick system which may or may not hold true in future days.  But it goes something like this:

 

 

The magnitude of the change is from where I was to where I progressed.  For example if event 1 were a baseline.  The height of the step from event 1 to event 2 was “1.”  However, from event 3 to event 4 was a step 10 times higher.

 

Now, I am at event 8.  I sense this step is as large as from event 4 to event 5.  HUGE!  Hopefully not as traumatic, but if that’s what growth takes, that’s what growth takes.  Since I have only begun the trek from 7 to 8, I am looking up.  It could be when I arrive at 8 I may downgrade my assessment.  But for now that’s how it feels.  I do not know where I am going, but I do know my vantage point will be forever changed.

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

 

Sometimes I think I’m deaf & blind.